I said to them the very same thing, that I needed a break. I also told them I needed to “find myself”, as corny as that sounds. I can no longer remember “enjoying” anything or “having fun”. I used to watch TV shows, and go out, and play music, but I haven’t done these things for so long I fear I have lost the ability to enjoy them. I guess there’s only one way to find out.

This is from a post I published back in November, 2013.

Funny how things come back in cycles for me. The post above was concerned with the conclusion of my Masters degree in Architecture. In three week’s time I will be finishing up at my job for good, closing a chapter that had many happy moments, but plenty of shitty ones as well. And again, I need a break from everything, I need to “find myself”. To be honest, that latter part has been going on for over half a year now since I rage quit x5.

What a fruitful experience it has been! At first, it was going through the motions of all the things I used to love, to see if I still loved them, and to what degree. I think I will always love music, both listening and playing. Music has helped me through so many hard times. It has also been there for all of the great times, too. I bought a used electric drum kit to play around with. It has been lovely to exercise that part of me again, though the hi hat controller is acting up. And of course, my trusty guitar is still with me. I don’t think I have changed the guitar strings on it for over 5 years now (oops!), partly because I am ridiculously lazy, but also because I don’t like the sound of brand new strings for some reason. Let’s be honest, its the laziness that assures me it sounds fine with old strings! Its nice to have callouses from playing guitar again.

While music continues to ground me, I think photography is and has been less interesting to me for some time now. I won’t give it up altogether, or sell my beautiful Nikon equipment, but whatever I used to love about it during my high school years is firmly not there any longer. I have a feeling it is because photography is so saturated in today’s social media use. Anyone can slap on a filter or photoshop their photos. This isn’t why I enjoyed photography back then. I will admit to shamelessly using filters on Snapchat, but I guess I can’t take any of it seriously any more.

Once upon a time, the holy trinity of what constituted my interests also included cricket. Of course, I haven’t played in over 5 years now, and have no desire to play again, so we can cross this off the list. By no means do I look back on all those summers with regret. They were great times, with mostly casual friends and/or acquaintances, and I am glad it was a part of my life.

What I have realised over the past few years, and in particular with my involvement in esports, is that there are still so many creative avenues I have not explored. Before I let esports consume me – and that is a subject worthy of many posts and evaluations – I was drawn to it for all of the things I was able to experience and tackle. I learned so much during the course of my time there, not even counting all of the things I had to learn in order to manage every-one and every-thing. My photoshop skills have increased tenfold, I have tried my hand at videography and video editing, I have even designed jerseys. One day I will be able to look back on this time and feel immensely proud, as I deserve to feel.

Here’s a list of things I want to try or do more of:

  • abstract painting
  • drawing – human figures, faces, etc in particular
  • more cooking – yes, I feel this ought to be counted as a creative outlet
  • create my own website – still haven’t gotten around to this..
  • read more dystopian novels – this is more to do with the consumption of something creative

Shit, it’s 12:07AM and I have work tomorrow.