So I received an email yesterday afternoon that threw myself out of whack. The equivalent of a whole load of work being dumped on my desk. Oh and by the way, this thing over here isn’t compliant. Shit.
My body immediately seized up, my heart rate sky rocketed. I tried to breathe deeply but all I could do was imagine bad scenarios playing out in my head.
The stress to myself was so extreme I tried to meditate but that didn’t work when my head was filled with this terror. I could not ignore those thoughts.
Eventually I had to reason with myself. This isn’t my fault, or my ultimate responsibility. If the worst thing happened my life would go on and I could not tie myself to it.
I started letting go, just a little bit, but it allowed me to breathe.
Normally I try to take on all these work issues as if they’re my issues, but not then. I decided it did not need immediate action and went back to the task I was doing earlier.
But some of this stress did seep into my head – while I slept, when I woke up, in the shower. I realised that this stress came in the form of imagined conversations, bad ones, ones where I’m blamed for things and where shit hits the fan. It plays out like a script in my head, with some visualisations based on who is talking.
So when I finally started work today (at home) I expected to find some words from my boss. There was nothing. And I breathed a sigh of relief.
It seems that part of my worries was seeing my boss’s reaction to this. He can be a bit unpredictable. While mostly fair, he can sometimes snap at you when he’s in a bad mood. And he has a habit of wanting to rush through things. This I was scared about.
I’m proud of myself for starting to notice my stress reactions and what causes it. I’m proud of taking those breaths and being able to reason myself into not freaking out completely. It’s a big step for me.
Dot of all Trades 